April 22, 2013
and I’m dying to know if it still beats the same without me.
4/10
I tried to write about you tonight, I tried to come up with something so profound you might miss me. But I couldn’t, I failed and I sat down with my pen and paper, restlessly twitching with my eyes shifting, and then I sat down at my keyboard I typed and deleted and I typed and deleted words upon words and nothing came out that exemplified how much you’ll mean to me when I’m gone. I thought about how much more this will hurt me than you, but still nothing. Nothing came out until I sat on the end of my bed swallowed once, took a deep breath, and cried.
If the moon smiled, she would resemble you.
You leave the same impression
Of something beautiful, but annihilating.
You leave the same impression
Of something beautiful, but annihilating.
“
| — | Sylvia Plath |
I look for you everywhere.
In the buses and trains that pass by. In the crowded streets that my feet take me to every damn day. I look for you in the spaces between those library shelves. In the spaces between the pages of the books there, even. I look for you in words and symphonies, in songs and letters, in my frozen cups of coffee and in the eyes of all the strangers I see.
I look for you at midnight. In the sudden darkness when I turn off the lights without precaution. In the stars that peek out from my window as though they hesitate to shine like they shall do. I look for you in the blinding lights of faraway cities I can only dream of getting lost in. In the delusions where I decided to lose myself too long ago already.
And I know what I’m doing is futile. I fool myself everytime my shoelaces trip me or the maps stop making sense or the people cringe at my unfamiliarity, but what do I do when I can’t stop looking for you? Your smile is embodied in my every thought and my irises are, ultimately, soldiers of my mind. Your voice is vinyl I placed permanently behind every other sound processed within my brain and I strain to hear you calling out my name wherever I go.
I look for you everywhere. In the sodden walkways after the rain has sung then left us behind. In empty classrooms and abandoned buildings. In the patch of trees that catch my eye as I walk home, in a grayscale sea of people, in the plethora of lips that smile upon the sight of me. I look for you in the callowness of our ends.
I look for you everywhere except inside of me even though I knew all along that’s where you’d eternally be.
